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Several years ago, I
learned two important things about friendship and friends. I learned how
important true friends are, and I learned that many so-called friends
are only of the "fair weather" variety.
The story begins about twelve years ago. I was CEO of an organization
with over 200 employees and a multimillion dollar budget. I reported to
a board of directors, but generally was allowed to run the organization
as I saw fit. All that began to change when three new board members were
elected. These new members had an agenda which included putting their
own person in as CEO. Soon, I was not only in trouble politically, but
they instigated an investigation revealed some irregularities in a large
contract which I had signed. The irregularities did not involve any
deliberate criminal activity, nor was there any personal gain by me or
anyone else. They were technical violations of the law.
The new board members attracted the attention of a young, ambitious
assistant district attorney who, aided by my political enemies,
zealously prosecuted the case. I was found guilty of a third degree
felony, but the judge, citing the lack of evidence of wrongdoing, ruled
the there would be no final conviction. My record is clean today.
During the ordeal of trial and appeal many of my friends stood with me,
but some, even some who I thought were true friends, avoided any contact
or communication with me. When they would see me, their excuse for not
communicating would be, "I just didn’t know what to say. I was so
upset," or "I’ve been busy; I know you understand." At
the time, I did not understand. But I do now.
The reasons some people avoid contact with friends and colleagues in
distress can be divided into two categories. One, they are not really
friends, or two, they really do not know what to say to someone in
distress.
I soon realized that some of my colleagues were friends only because I
was the boss. Several of these friends were ones with whom I had at one
time been quite close. They became more and more distant as time passed.
I observed these people playing the same "games" with their
new bosses as they once had with me. This hurt until I realized that
their actions reflected on their character, not on mine. I went on with
my life, leaving them behind. One lesson I learned is that a person in a
leadership position must carefully consider the consequences of close
friendships with those he supervises.
Another, and more important, lesson from my ordeal was that some people
truly do not know what to say to a person who has experienced loss. This
is especially true of men. Several times I have been called upon to
deliver tragic news to others. On two different occasions, I was asked
to tell a teenager that his parent had died. Once, I was the only one
available to help two children deal with their mother’s attempted
suicide. Several times, I have been at the bedside of one who was near
death. My unique position allowed me to learn what to say and do in
difficult emotional situations. My personal loss helped me to realize
that many people feel inadequate dealing with the victims of personal
crises.
"What can I do?’’ one may ask. The answer is relatively simple.
When a friend experiences a loss, go to him. Say, "I’m here for
you. I care about you. What do you want me to do for you?" If
nothing else seems appropriate, just BE THERE. Communicate often with
your friend. Look around and be aware. If there is no food in the house,
bring some. If someone is isolating, gently talk to them. If someone is
crying, hug them. Just BE THERE! Continue to keep in touch for as long
as you see a need. The true friend does not neglect as long as a need
exists.
Our life changing events often hurt, but they can also be opportunities
for personal growth. We can learn in retrospect. After the pain dulls,
examine the situation and try to improve yourself and equip yourself to
help others.
This is
a story sent to me by my friend Jimmy, he has touched my heart, I hope
the story will touch yours. Thanks Jimny, YOU are awesome!
Friends are Awesome
One day, when I was a freshman in high school, I saw a kid from my
class was walking home from school. His name was Kyle. It looked like
he was carrying all of his books. I thought to myself, "Why would
anyone bring home all his books on a Friday? He must really be a
nerd." I had quite a weekend planned (parties and a football game
with my friend tomorrow afternoon), so I shrugged my shoulders and
went on.
As I was walking, I saw a bunch of kids running toward him. They ran
at him, knocking all his books out of his arms and tripping him so he
landed in the dirt. His glasses went flying, and I saw them land in
the grass about ten feet from him. He looked up and I saw this
terrible sadness in his eyes. My heart went out to him. So, I jogged
over to him and as he crawled around looking for his glasses, and I
saw a tear in his eye. As I handed him his glasses, I said,
"Those guys are jerks. They really should get lives." He
looked at me and said, "Hey thanks!" There was a big smile
on his face. It was one of those smiles that showed real gratitude.
I helped him pick up his books, and asked him where he lived. As it
turned out, he lived near me, so I asked him why I had never seen him
before. He said he had gone to private school before now. I would have
never hung out with a private school kid before. We talked all the way
home, and I carried his books. He turned out to be a pretty cool kid.
I asked him if he wanted to play football on Saturday with me and my
friends. He said yes. We hung all weekend and the more I got to know
Kyle, the more I liked him. And my friends thought the same of him.
Monday morning came, and there was Kyle with the huge stack of books
again. I stopped him and said, "Damn boy, you are gonna really
build some serious muscles with this pile of books everyday!" He
just laughed and handed me half the books
Over the next four years, Kyle and I became best friends. When we were
seniors, began to think about college. Kyle decided on Georgetown, and
I was going to Duke. I knew that we would always be friends, that the
miles would never be a problem. He was going to be a doctor, and I was
going for business on a football scholarship. Kyle was valedictorian
of our class.
I teased him all the time about being a nerd. He had to prepare a
speech for graduation. I was so glad it wasn't me having to get up
there and speak. Graduation day, I saw Kyle. He looked great. He was
one of those guys that really found himself during high school. He
filled out and actually looked good in glasses. He had more dates than
me and all the girls loved him! Boy, sometimes I was jealous. Today
was one of those days.
I could see that he was nervous about his speech. So, I smacked him on
the back and said, "Hey, big guy, you'll be great!" He
looked at me with one of those looks (the really grateful one) and
smiled. "Thanks," he said. As he started his speech, he
cleared his throat, and began. "Graduation is a time to thank
those who helped you make it through those tough years. Your parents,
your teachers, your siblings, maybe a coach... but mostly your
friends. I am here to tell all of you that being a friend to someone
is the best gift you can give them.
I am going to tell you a story." I just looked at my friend with
disbelief as he told the story of the first day we met. He had planned
to kill himself over the weekend. He talked of how he had cleaned out
his locker so his Mom wouldn't have to do it later and was carrying
his stuff home. He looked hard at me and gave me a little smile.
"Thankfully, I was saved. My friend saved me from doing the
unspeakable." I heard the gasp go through the crowd as this
handsome, popular boy told us all about his weakest moment. I saw his
Mom and dad looking at me and smiling that same grateful smile. Not
until that moment did I realize it's depth.
Never
underestimate the power of your actions. With one small gesture you
can change a person's life. For better or for worse. God puts us all
in each other's lives to impact one another in some way. Look for God
in others.
"Friends
are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble
remembering how to fly."
"Friendship may be the surest source of satisfaction in a
fickle world, better than sex, money, or power." (Sam Keen:
Fire in the Belly, p. 173)
Doug
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